- Buy broccoli when you know there is already more than enough in the fridge.
- Go for a run. Cool off. Take off clean pillow case and replace with T-shirt. Cover with clean pillow case.
- When driving, ask if we should go the wrong way down a one-way street.
- For 15 years, every Sunday that you wife suggests going to a museum, express surprise that museums are open on Sunday’s.
- For 15 years, occasionally suggest going to the local book store on Sunday. Express surprise that they are not open on Sunday’s (thanks a lot Blue Laws!).
- Use 20 points to do a 3 point turn.
- On a cool early Fall afternoon, walk into the room and turn on the A/C. Complain that it’s cold. When wife says, "then why did you turn that on, silly" and gets up to turn it off, grab the warm spot she had on the couch. Bonus points if she does not realize you did it until much later.
- Open up a can of delicious white albacore tuna and eat it straight from the can, in bed, at night.
- Go into the kitchen while wife is eating dinner, open up the cutlery drawer and push utensils around until wife screams, "what are you looking for!"
- On receipt of new business cards, secretly place them all around the house: Under the bed, in pillow cases, inside coffee cups, in her purse, in coat pockets, car glove compartments, the pantry — anywhere you can think of.
- Write blog entries about your wife.
- Wake up.
- When walking the streets of New York City, be on the alert for "crusty" objects on the ground. Keeping in mind your wife’s special fears, reach down as if to pick one up up and ask, "hmm, I wonder what that is?" (Be prepared for wife to body slam you as if she’s a secret service agent protecting the President from a sniper or you’ll find yourself laying on your back on the sidewalk).
- Drive twice around a parking lot looking for space. You know you’ve really hit pay dirt when your son in the back seat yells, "Oh no! He’s doing it again!"
- Write "top 10" lists that don’t have 10 items.
Bonus wife joke:
Two male co-workers go out to lunch. One of them tells the other, "I let loose an embarrassing Freudian slip the other night."
"A Freudian slip? What’s that?"
"Well, when we finished eating, the waitress came by and asked how we liked our meals. I meant say, ‘I loved the chicken breast’ but instead I said ‘I loved your breasts’. I was so embarrassed."
"Ah," his co-worker replied. "I had the same thing happen to me this weekend with my wife. We were eating breakfast I meant to ask her to pass the butter, but instead I screamed at her, ‘You ruined my life!’"